In what might have conceivably been a gamble between Cthulhu and Satan in attempts to find a new emissary of darkness, Justin Bieber is getting his own movie…in 3D! Despite the fact he’s only 16 and probably doesn’t know how to drive a motorized vehicle, this hasn’t stopped Paramount Studies from feeling as though the world needs the teen idol up on the big screen where he can violate your senses in complete three dimensional glory.

Director Davis Guggenheim, you know, the guy responsible for winning an Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth, starring Al Gore, is likely to be directing this movie. Why? I don’t know, maybe Guggenheim as fallen so low he feels the only way out is to fall even lower. Of course Bieber will be in the movie, starring as himself no less. It’s said the movie will be released around Valentine’s Day…may He have mercy on us all that weekend.

Additionally, young Justin Bieber, and I would like to emphasize that he IS young, is writing a memoir that will be called Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story. That’s too long of a title and I can only imagine the feats of grandeur that Bieber will write about in hopes of blowing our minds to kingdom come.

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